believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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