Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
