he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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