I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
