I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
