we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
