he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
