even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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