are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
