My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
