You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
