I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
