I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
