I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
