I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
