Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
