3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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