I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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