Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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