Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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