I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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