Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i love accidental penises.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
