Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i think my cat just said my name.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
