You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
