I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
