I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize