I could make wine with my vomit
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
