"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
