I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
