This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My vagina is officially offended.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
