you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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