ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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