How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize