These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
