I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
if only i could text you this smell
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
