dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
