chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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