Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
