he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
