i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
