I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
