Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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