I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm sobbing to NWA
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
