Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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