Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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