I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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