Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
