I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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