if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
