i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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