I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
