I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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