we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
