Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she pinky promised me she was 18
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize