her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Success! We fucked roommates!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
