no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
