Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i out mim tonsoeep
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